Harper's Birth Story

On Friday, August 15th, at about 9:00pm I started experiencing contractions. I had them before- but they were always mild, and always went away with changing my position, doing an activity, or resting. These were different- they came differently, felt different, and lasted no matter what I tried to do to make them stop. They weren't super close together, yet...about 15-20 minutes or so apart.

By early morning Saturday- and I mean early, like 3am or 4am -they were much more intense. They kept me awake and still didn't go away even after I got out of bed and cleaned the apartment. Around 6am I decided to call my mom. She had been planning on coming out to Utah for the birth and I wanted her to know things could be at least starting to get on their way. We talked about it for a bit and she decided to come out that same day- even if it would be days until Harper arrived.

A short time later, there was no mistake it- this was labor. Throughout the night and morning the contractions had grown closer together, had become more intense, and were lasting longer. At this point I was about 7-10 minutes apart. I had also experienced a labor symptom I wanted clarification on so I decided to contact the midwife on call.

The midwife told me to continue timing contractions and to try taking a bath to see if that would stop or slow them. I basically wanted her advice as to whether having my mom come that day would be a bad idea- I didn't want her to have to be here for a whole week or longer before baby came! She said to see if anything made the contractions go away and if not- it's probably safe to say a baby would be there within a couple of days.

The bath did nothing but to augment the contractions. They became much closer together and more intense. Now they were about 5 minutes apart. We called the midwives back and they told us to time them and let them know if we needed to go in.

Justin needed to work that day and since there was no guarantee I would actually have a baby on Saturday I told him to go and come home if I called and it got close. My mom was also on her way from San Diego and would be in Utah about 5pm.

Let me say- this was a terrible idea. Laboring alone is terrible. There's no one available for moral support or to help you breath or to physically lean on during labor- no daddy doula when you send daddy off to work. By 4:30pm on Saturday I was about done doing it alone. I was in pain. Enough laboring alone- I needed my rock! I asked him to come home and he did. The contractions at that point were putting me in tears, and I would even be in tears in between them because I knew the next one was around the corner.

My mom and Justin got to the apartment pretty close in time to one another. It was pretty intense. I could no longer walk or talk or do much of anything through them- when a wave hit, I needed to focus on it, focus on breathing and counting and visualizing. (btw. Hypnobirthing is pretty wonderful!). At this point contractions were a solid 5 minutes apart. We decided to wait until they were in the 3-5 minute range, even though we could have called the midwifes for a check right then.

At about 7:15pm on Saturday we called and met the midwives at the birthing center for them to take some vitals and do an exam to asses my progress.

It had to be pretty good, right? I mean 22 hours of pretty continuous contractions means something, right?

Wrong. I was 1 centimeter. And 50% effaced. What.the.heck. Women reach that WEEKS before their due dates and sometimes without experiencing a single contraction or even knowing they had progressed at all.

A 1? I was pretty upset. The last 22 hours had been hard. It wasn't easy working through those contractions.

We went home with the intent that I try to sleep. The problem is that when you're having contractions every 3-5 minutes it's really quite impossible to sleep. I barely got any- if I even got any! -sleep that night.

At 4am on Sunday the contractions were just really getting intense and strong. I was convulsing through them and I still hadn't slept. We called our midwives again and went in for another check.

A 4. 80% effaced. Okay cool. Progress. They went me home with more medications to try to help me sleep again.

Nothing worked. I tried to sleep. I tried. But nothing stopped the contractions- which were now 2-4 minutes apart. I couldn't sleep and the medicine wasn't helping. Even if I managed to doze off, I was woken up with no more than 10 minutes of rest.

At 8am I couldn't take it anymore so I just got out of bed. My mom was already awake and I started talking to her.

If I had labored from Friday at 9pm to Sunday at 4am (31 hours) and had only made minimal progress, what else would this journey entail?

I felt like I needed to ditch the birth center plan. I felt that I needed to walk into Timp Regional Hospital and be admitted, if for no other reason than to labor under the watchful eye of people who could help me find ways to tolerate the pain and help things along.

To be honest. I wanted the epidural. I wanted to sleep, and badly. I hadn't slept well on Friday night and I got virtually no sleep on Saturday. If I was going to progress at all, how was I going to handle 4 more centimeters before transition and 2 more centimeters after than, and THEN stand and find energy for pushing?

I thought getting an epidural would help me sleep. Then I could at least have the energy to do some more intense laboring. The epidural can wear off within a few hours, so even if I just needed a little rest- I could do the rest the way I had planned. Completely unaided with no medical interventions.

After talking to the midwives about whether they thought my line of thinking was even sane- I decided to do it.

We arrived at Timp Regional around 11am on Sunday morning. I had the epidural within 30 minutes. It.felt.amazing.

I didn't sleep still. At least not a lot or well. But being able to sit back, relax, and close my eyes gave me so much more energy. And I won't lie- not feeling contractions is wonderful.

"No Epidural" part of birth plan- History.  

At some point the doctor came in and said he wanted to break the bag of waters to augment labor. I really didn't want him to. But I had still only progressed to a 5 and the baby was low enough to where it wouldn't cause much risk to her to have it done- so we had it done.

"No Breaking of Waters" part of birth plan- History. 

On top of that, when the water broke there was thick muconium in the fluid. (That means the baby had a bowl movement in utero). That meant she would be taken by a NICU team as soon as she was out to avoid her aspirating the bowl movement into her lungs and stomach. That meant- no delayed cord clamping/cutting and no immediate skin to skin.

"Delayed Cord Clamping" part of birth plan- History. 

"Immediate Skin to Skin" part of birth plan- History. 

After that the nurse came in. Only still having progressed a couple centimeters they wanted to put me on Pitocin to make the contractions more frequent. They were strong enough, just not constant enough. (After a full bag of pitocin they still were ranging 2-4 minutes during pushing, which is not super great.)

"No Pitocin" part of birth plan- History. 

Finally I reached the 10 centimeter mark. Baby was facing my left side with her back to my right side so she wasn't perfectly anterior. The wants to wait and hour after I reached the 10 mark to see if baby would turn on her own to a better position. She also hadn't been able to thin part of the cervix so pushing at that stage would have caused a tear in the cervix- which just doesn't sound fun.

It finally came time to push. The hospital uses "directed pushing" as a technique. You breath in, hold your breath and push for 10 seconds, then breath again and repeat two more times. I hated the idea of being told when and how to push. I really wanted to breath down into my abdomen and follow my instincts on when and how to push. But truly- this wasn't something I was about to fight about, and I figured the nurse helping me at the beginning stages of pushing would be better able to help me in the way she had been trained.

"No Directed Pushing" part of birth plan- History.  

I was pushing for an hour and a half when the babies heart rate skyrocketed- and stayed there. Suddenly my room was flooded with people. The doctor, more nurses, a NICU team- all in gloves and hats and gowns and tables with equipment.

The doctor wanted to use forceps to guide the rest of the delivery. I was so worried. But he said- and the screen and monitor next to my head verified it- that the baby's heart rate was not coming down and that she needed to be out as soon as possible. I just wanted a safe baby.

"No Forceps/Vaccum" part of birth plan- History. 

Within about 5 or 6 more pushes the baby was out. She cried a deep cry right away and was whisked away. I didn't even get to see her face. That was the part that made me the saddest, but I knew she was in good hands.

After being stitched up, they handed me my baby. I was already bawling my eyes out looking at her from across the room. She was so perfect. Like breathing oxygen for the very first time. Like feeling weightless. Peaceful. And so much love I don't even know how to describe it. I said her name...

"Harper."

And she turned her little head, opened her eyes, and looked at me. She knew me. Just like I had known her far before she every got here. Far before I was every pregnant.

"Have a healthy baby" par of the birth plan- Perfected.

I didn't care that virtually every other part of my birth plan had been thrown out the window. THIS. This was the only moment that mattered to me. This was the peaceful birth I wanted. This was the empowerment I wanted. This was the memory I wanted. Her. In my arms. Safe. And looking at me with the same longing and yearning I had felt for her for so long. My baby. My daughter. And she was here. That's all that mattered.

Ultimately, we didn't get the out of hospital, low-intervention, birth we wanted. But there ended up being several good reasons for that.

First, the muconium. There was a lot of it. It was good to have a NICU team stand by so close who were able to keep out of the NICU. They fixed her so fast and so well that she has never left my side the whole time I've been at the hospital.

Second, the forceps. Yeah. It's crazy. But considered it took 50 and 1/2 hours from the first contractions to delivery- they were needed. Considering I was still not having frequent enough contractions during the pushing stage- it's an indicator my body needed help, not only in augmenting labor but in delivering as well. One of my sweet nurses (who were all amazing, by the way) came up and told me privately "The doctor said that if we hadn't used forceps, she would have become stuck under the pubic bone. I'm so glad that you were with us today." Clearly my baby needed the help and so did I .

Third, hemorrhaging. During delivery I lost close to 300ml of blood, which is actually quite low! But afterward...it kept coming. 600 more ml in a soaked pad. 400 more ml in a soaked pad. Blood clots the size of grapefruits. It wasn't good. The hemorrhage was classified as major. They ordered blood for a transfusion, put me on 4 different anti-hemorrhaging medications, 3 antibiotics, fluids, and pumped my epidural so the doctor could go in with a scraping tool and make sure there were no lacerations and nothing was left behind. Over the morning nurses were pushing on my belly every 5 minutes for hours on end to expel more and more blood clots.

Luckily, with that last part, the clotting stopped and things started to appear to be getting better. I didn't end up needing the transfusion.

Still, those three reasons are reasons I was glad to actually have thrown my birth plan out the window. I would have loved to have my natural, unmedicated, peaceful birth. Instead my labor and birth were crazy. But what I got out of it was far more important to me.

My perfect, sweet, Harper Noel. Healthy, happy, and strong. Beautiful and safely in my arms.

And to me, that's all that mattered.

Harper Noel Morse
Born: 11:34pm on August 16th, 2015.
6lbs 5oz, 18 inches.

Dear Harper- I Need to Tell You About Someone Special

Dear Harper Noel,

Well. We are expecting you at any moment now. We're not sure if you're hours or weeks away from making your beautiful debut into our lives and into our arms, but we know that you are close. I can't wait to meet you and kiss your beautiful fingers and snuggle your warm, beautiful, cheeks. We are so anxious to have you be here, you are so very well loved.

Before you make your arrival, there's one more person I need to tell you about.

This is a person who from my earliest memories was my best friend. He defended me against spiders, kids at the playground, and mean boyfriends. He played silly games with me, wasn't afraid to indulge in "sisterly" activities and always let me play with his matchbox cars and teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures. We always dragged each other into trouble but he was always great at helping getting me out of it.

He's my brother. Your uncle Ry Ry. Look at this stud.

A memory that stands out in my mind is a birthday party someone was having at Chuck-e-Cheese. I couldn't have been older than 4 or 5. I was playing in the play area and some little boy was being mean to me and throwing those little plastic balls at me. Enter older brother who quickly came to my defense at 5 or 6 years old himself.

Defender. It's a great way to describe your uncle. He protected me from people on more than one occasion. He listened to me when I was sad or hurting. He knew what to say and when to say it when things happened in life to make me feel down. He knows how to give great hugs. He protects those he loves with strength, loyalty, and valor. As a member of the Army, he did the same for strangers.

I know he will love you like crazy, I'm sure he already does! He will be silly with you. He will take you on adventures. He will teach you how to play jokes on mom. He will teach you about loyalty, hard work, compassion, and family.

Growing up with your uncle was fun. There were times we weren't so close, in distance or relation. I wish we hadn't missed that time. Because truly he's one of my favorite people in the world. He has such a wonderful, huge, heart. He's smart, funny, witty, and kind. He's passionate about the things and people he loves.

I can't wait to see you in your uncle's arms. I know he will protect you. Defend you. Teach you. Love you. Cherish you. Play dress-up with you. Have pretend tea-parties with you. Play sports with you. Teach you about cars and monster trucks and- of course -teenage mutant ninja turtles.

I probably won't act so happy when he teaches you how to play a practical joke and jump out of a closet to scare Mom, but deep down...I'll smile...because I know he'll be building memories with you. He'll be making you smile and laugh and bringing joy to your life. It's something I know I'll never be able to thank him enough for.

I hope that you have a brother like I did. Someone who you can share cherished memories with, laugh with, play with, grow close to. Someone who will defend you and stand up for you. Someone you will fight with and still love with all your heart. Someone who you can truly call a friend.

By the way, Uncle RyRy is about to marry a wonderfully talented, sweet, kind, funny, and wonderful woman named Alexandra who will be such an amazing aunty to you! She loves you too, and is so excited for you to come.

Well, my little one, now you know about mommy's parents and siblings. I couldn't have asked for a better family myself. I can't wait for you to become a part of theirs. They are all wonderful people who I couldn't be more thrilled about being part of your life. They each have something to teach you and to share with you. Watch them, listen to them, learn from them.

We all can't wait for you to be here.

With love,
Mommy

“There’s no other love like the love for a brother. There’s no other love like the love from a brother." -Unknown

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each others' hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." -Unknown

Full Term and a Lot of Catch Up

It's 37 weeks! That means I'm officially full term and baby would be healthy being born at any time now!

I haven't updated in almost a month. Things have been crazy with the bar exam; which for everyone's benefit is now OVER. It wasn't as awful as I thought in terms of material (although that's probably because I made stuff up a lot) or pregnancy. It was hard to sit for that long (about 7 hours a day) but it wasn't unbearable. Honestly, the studying part was way more tedious and annoying that the actual test. I'm sure that perception means I'll be taking the bar again in February, but hey...for now it's over.

Not a *lot* has happened in the last month. I've been pretty fatigued and even feeling kind of sick for awhile until a couple days ago. The last couple of days have actually been the best in my pregnancy. I feel like I have more energy back and less body aches and pain.

At 34 weeks during my check up, the midwife felt baby's position and exclaimed: "Woh! You're low! Stay in there baby!"

At 36 weeks an entirely different midwife said the same thing. So that's fun. Evidently Harper is just waiting for her cue, she's all ready to be here!

We are officially ready to have a baby. We have everything we need! We still need to pick up a car seat, but a member of Justin's family has so wonderfully and graciously offered to help us with that. Seriously, we are so blessed with our families who have provided so much help for us and have already doted on our baby girl.

I've definitely been anxious to clean lately. I hate cleaning. But now that the bar exam is over I'm actually genuinely excited to scrub floors and walls and counters. Seriously, it makes no sense. I also need to bug and spider hunt Harper's room and eliminate any threats. Yeah, I know. I'm crazy. But hey...I can't help the urge to make sure her room is 100% clean and safe.

I've really been craving churros lately, and the taco binge is back. 

Random things make me cry all the time these days. It's pretty fun.

Harper is crazy with her movements. I mean crazy. That girl makes Justin and me both feel like she's trying to make a break for it. There's less rolling and flipping now (well, none actually) but quite a bit of strong kicks and stretches. Watching her foot stick out near my ribcage is pretty fascinating.

My due day is in 3 weeks. 20 days. I'm meeting with my midwife every week now, and still everyone looks healthy and great. I've been so blessed to have such a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy.

I have a feeling Harper will be early. But I'm trying not to tell myself that, because she could easily be 11 days late. It's just an instinct I have, but who knows, right? Harper is a little firecracker, who knows what she's up to!

Nesting Anxiety, Diaper Overload, and 33 Weeks

Today begins 33 weeks!

First, this week we had our 32 week appointment. Everything looked perfect and Harper is in the optimal, perfect, position to get ready for her entrance into this life. That was a huge sigh of relief, as its pretty unlikely that she'll flip or turn to much in the next 7 weeks or so.

Nesting took a turn this last week and a half or so. I had so much anxiety over having everything ready. We had stuff. But not everything. No bottles or towels or washcloths or pacifiers. It was the weirdest thing to cry over a dishwasher caddy to put bottles in- but cry I did. I couldn't help it.

Well, this week has been a big accomplishment. Through the help of friends and family we got many things we still needed. The rest of it Justin and I picked up ourselves and we are officially ready to go for whenever baby wants to get here. We spent the earlier part of the week putting our nursery furniture together and I'm working on doing laundry to wash all her clothes, towels, linens, ect. It's a lot of work but I can't even begin to explain how much more relaxed I feel. If Harper were born today I'd have a place for her to sleep, a way to feed her, a way to dress her, and a way to keep her clean. That is just awesome for me!

One of my happiest moments was ordering a plethora of cloth diapers. There was a good package deal on BumGenius Freetimes so I was able to pick up all the diapers I needed. The best part? They go from 8-35lbs, so they could even last us until or close to potty training. That's pretty stellar. We will still keep disposables on hand for travel and the like, but I'm so excited about the prospect of cloth diapering. It's good on the wallet, it's good for the environment, and its good for little baby tooshies. And. It's cute. Oh so cute. I can't believe how happy and excited I am for something my kid is going to poop in.

The baby shower on Saturday was beautiful! I'm so grateful for the family and friends who were able to make it and those who sent their thoughts and gifts even if they weren't. The best part of the whole thing was seeing how many people are going to love and support my daughter. She's so lucky to be born into such a wonderful extended family made up of blood and non-blood aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Also. The tdap hurts. Not the shot. But dang my arm was sore after I got it!

On another note, we found a pediatrician! We got along great with him during our consultation and were on board with his general practices and approach to medicine. It's such a blessing to have found someone we trust.

That's it for this week. One more month until I'm considered full-term.

Also. Next month, I'll have a baby. NEXT MONTH!


Overview This Week:

The Bump: Big. And it dropped. I'm definitely carrying lower than I was before. Also...its true. Belly buttons can/do transform into outies during pregnancy.

Symptoms: Carpal tunnel!! Backaches. Sore hips. Some heartburn (but it's better!). Lots of movement from Harper. I love every second of it!

Cravings: BBQ.

Aversions: Eggs. Bacon. Anything pork-related. Gross.

Looking Forward To: Finishing decorating the nursery and holding my baby girl!

32 Weeks- 2D/3D Ultrasound Session

She kept pursing her lips and blowing us kisses!

Lips pursed again. :)

To Harper- On Father's Day

Dear Harper Noel,

Today is Father's Day! It's the day of the year where we celebrate fathers in all their forms- dads, uncles, brothers, religious leaders, grandfathers- anyone who influences you and inspires you.

I want to tell you about my dad, your papa.

We have a very special bond. There's something about a relationship between a father and his daughter that can be really beautiful. Not everyone is as lucky as I am, but my dad has always and does make efforts to be a positive, strong, influence in my life. He is my role model, my protector, my inspiration, and my friend.

Growing up he gave me confidence, encouragement, support, and guidance. As a kid he worked hard to make sure your uncle and I never went without. We always had provision. We always knew where our next meal was coming from and that we'd have shoes to wear to school.

My dad was more than that, though. He always encouraged me to reach my full potential. He always would tell me I was meant for great things and he would encourage me to do everything I could to become the best person I could become. He taught me the importance of education and career, but also the importance of family.

The best thing he taught me was in how I watched him treat my mom. He loves her unconditionally. He finds joy in things that bring her happiness and sadness in things that make her weep. He tells her she's beautiful. He tells her he loves her. He laughs with her and makes her laugh. He's always been in love with her, and after nearly 30 years of marriage he's still in love with her. The way he looks at her says it all- he respects her, honors her, and cherishes her.

Just like he does for me. Just like he'll do for you.

I remember precious moments of sitting on my dad's lap, head in his chest. I remember father-daughter dances- he would always take me out for ice cream after and it would always get all over my face. I remember when he would come home from deployments and would embrace my brother and me in his arms. He always brought gifts. And when he was away he always sent some to remind us he was thinking of us. I still have the stuffed camel and alligator he brought back from Australia. Even though these are just "things" they remind me of his love for us.

I think about the day I will see him hold you. The day I watch you climb into his lap and ask him to braid your hair. The day he will hold your hand as you lead him to the playroom for a tea party. The day he dances with you at your wedding. I think about the way he already loves you and it makes my heart warm. I couldn't pick a better father for myself, and I could never pick a better papa for my little girl.

One thing I love about your daddy is that he is, in so many ways, just like your papa. The first time he told me that he loved me I saw him look at me the way my dad looks at my mom. I see in Daddy the same patience, love, respect, and sacrifice that I grew up with. I find the same encouragement and support to be all I can be, the same encouragement to see my dreams come true. I see the same faith for a Father in heaven and the same love for a Savior. I find the same eagerness to learn about Him, to pray, to seek Him, to follow Him.

Your Daddy is a special man.

He sacrifices unceasingly and without complaint or second thought.

He loves unconditionally.

He is intelligent and wise.

He prays for you already and sings you lullabies and tells you stories.

He is perfect for me in every way.

He is passionate, yet helps create peace in difficult times.

I am so eager to see you build the same memories with your daddy that I have built with mine. I can't wait for the day that he will teach you how to pray. The day that he will teach you how to ride a bike and throw a football. I can imagine him holding you if you are sad, scared, or sick...or just because he wants to be close to you. I can see him kissing you, hugging you, and taking you on special daddy-daughter dates. I look forward to the day that he will dance with you at your wedding. Your papa actually said at Mommy and Daddy's wedding that he hoped we had you one day, so that Daddy would know how it feels to dance with your daughter at her wedding.

There are so many things to look forward to with both of these men. I can't wait for them to see you, to hold you, to fall in love with you. I know with them in your life you will always be encouraged, protected and provided for.

I love you. Your meemaw, papa, and Daddy love you. We can't wait to see you and to hold you.

All my love,
Mommy

The Great Rug Hunt

Today I reached 31 weeks. Although Harper is not being "measured" to estimate size or weight babies her age average four pounds this week and 16 inches. That's crazy to me! It explains how tired I've been, though, because that's *a lot* of growing in one week.

Our 30 week appointment went well. Everyone's still healthy and strong. Baby girl is head down, with her back against my right side, facing left, with her feet sticking out left and her little hip and tooshie pressed a couple inches above my belly button. That explains why I often feel movement from four different spots on my belly all at once. It's pretty cool to be able to feel distinct body parts now!

The fatigue seems to be wearing off, which I'm both happy about and sad about...because now I'm finding it difficult to rest and stay asleep during the night. But it does make activities during the day a little easier and it means I'm awake more to feel all those fun movements!  Here's video of what I could only describe is an earthquake in my tummy.

Nesting took it's toll this week, too. I was determined to get everything I needed for the nursery (or, at least find what I will purchase in the near future). Members of my family have generously offered to take care of our crib and rocking chair, and I'm so grateful! We'll be picking up the furniture in a week from today!

So, while hunting for nursery items I settled on crib bedding, drapes, and some decor pieces (a few accent pillows and wall decor). I got some quotes/pictures printed to frame and hang up as well as a wall mural. I settled on a few other items of decor and then it came time to find the rug.

The rug that took me over 5 hours to find. The rug that kept me up until around 8am in the morning. No. That's not an exaggeration. I can't explain the feeling of urgency I had, but I would not go to bed until I found it. I wasn't even tired until I found it. It was pretty crazy. And it was over a rug. I was going to wait until I could put everything together for a big reveal, but since that will take a while (some items may only get here a couple weeks before she's born) I'll post the photos of what we will be using now and then some more once it's all complete. The way the blog makes me format posting pictures is awkward, so bare with me.

Our wall are a light gray and our floors are like a super light taupe-ish/cream/tan color.


Furniture

This is the crib we selected.

Dresser

Changing table

Rocking chair/glider

Room Fixtures



Crib bedding set

Area rug

Wall Decal

Drapes

Elephant rocker

Decorative pillows

Wall Decor

Here Comes 30 Weeks!

Yesterday marks 30 weeks. Which means I will be considered full-term in just 7 weeks, will hit my due date in just 10 (69 days...) and will probably have a baby in 11 1/2 if I were a guessing woman. The time is going by so quickly! We still have really nothing prepared and it sort of freaks me out, but I keep telling myself we still have time.

So, the last couple weeks have been interesting. We had our 28 week appointment a couple weeks ago and both of us were healthy! Baby was in the correct position (hooray!) so let's hope she stays that way.

Week 29 has been a little rough. I am just so stinking tired this week. Pretty much all I do is sleep...wake to eat...then sleep. I'm my own little newborn! To give you an idea of my sleep patterns here is what happened Tues-Thurs These are rough estimates from memory but you'll get the idea.

Tues: Bed at 11pm
Weds: Woke at 2pm (did not wake up once before that). Bed at 11pm.
Thurs: Woke at 11am. Nap 12pm-2pm. Lunch. Nap from 3pm to 7:15pm. Bed at 11.

It's crazy how much I'm able to sleep. I'm sort of grateful for it because many women find sleep hard to come by in their 3T. But at the same time...sleeping so much means my other responsibilities and obligations suffer a little. It really is just so strange. I'm wondering if baby girl is just going through a growth spurt this week and taking up some of my energy.

Our next appointment is on Monday. Have I mentioned how much I simply love our care provider? I love our midwives, I love our birth center. When you walk in you're the only patient there. No waiting. No being tossed around different people. Just personalized care and attention. I love how different it feels than normal doctor's office environments where it can feel like you're in a system or a machine. I'm so glad we chose an out-of-hospital birth. It was the right choice for us. I feel safe there, confident, empowered. It really is just such a great environment.

Overview This Week:

The Bump: Getting bigger! I'll post a photo below!

Symptoms: Heartburn, fatigue, Braxton Hicks. Carpal tunnel (apparently pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel is a thing).

Cravings: Really nothing this week.

Aversions: Eggs.

Looking Forward To: 3D ultrasound and baby shower in a couple weeks!


New bump photo! Taken at 29 weeks and 5 days.

Pregnancy and Body Shaming: Why It Needs To Stop

Instead of an update this week I thought I'd write about something that's come to my attention since being pregnant and talking to other pregnant women. Body shaming.

Body shaming is shaming women for their body type or the way their body looks. Some examples:

"Wow. You're way too skinny. Don't you ever eat?" 

"You would be prettier if you lost some weight."

"Have you talked to your doctors about losing weight?" 

"I have this great diet I think you could benefit from if you want to lost weight."

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

Of course body shaming happens to men and women, but for some reason women tend to get the bulk of it. I'm sure you, reader, are shaking your head in agreement with me: This is so wrong! Why would anyone say these things to someone else? Commenting on a woman's body shape, size, or type is completely inappropriate. I would *never* do that.

So why, then, if body shaming is probably mostly universally seen as unacceptable behavior, do we as a society or individuals feel it suddenly becomes okay when a woman becomes pregnant? Do any of these sound familiar?

"Wow. You're so HUGE!"

"You don't even look pregnant."

"Are you sure there's only one in there!?"

"Is your baby going to be okay? You don't look big enough for them to be healthy."

"Are you sure you're pregnant?"

"Man. You're so big you must be miserable."

Look. I'm guilty. I know I've told women "Aww, what a tiny little bump" or told them "Wow. You're getting so big!" But you know what? I was wrong. It needs to stop. I understand you don't intend to hurt feelings. You don't want to make people feel bad. Neither did I. I just never even imagined my comments could be hurtful. It wasn't until I experienced those comments as hurtful that I understood the extent to which they can really hurt someone. I'm writing this to promote awareness, because I was never aware. You're not a bad person if you do or have made these comments. But I think it's important that we talk about it, because truly even if well intentioned, your comments (and the ones I have made myself) may not be taken positively.

What if the woman you're telling that she's huge is self-conscience about it? What if she's uncomfortable? What if she just spent and hour and a half trying to squeeze into those maternity jeans she just bought last week that aren't fitting anymore? What if she's worried about losing the baby weight? What if she has preclampsia or gestational diabetes and that's why she appears so "huge"?

What if the woman you're telling doesn't look pregnant lost a baby the last time she was? What if she struggled with infertility and waited years to have her beautiful baby bump? What if she's worried about not gaining enough weight? What if she has lost 20 or 30 pounds in pregnancy due to severe morning sickness? What if she's worried about losing her baby and telling her she doesn't look pregnant reinforces the fear that soon she may not be?

Telling a woman she is "huge" or telling her "she doesn't look pregnant" is body shaming. You're commenting on a woman's size, shape, form, or body type...something she simply has no control over. You're telling her that those stretch marks on her "non-pregnant looking belly" are for nothing. That her backaches and heartburn and all the other work her body is doing is for nothing. You're telling her she doesn't look pregnant, she just looks fat. You're telling her that she doesn't look healthy. You're telling her she's abnormal.

She's not. Women carry babies differently. Some all in the front, some all over the body, some prominent, others not so prominent. And every pregnancy is different, too. But guess what? It's not for you to comment on.

Instead of commenting on the way a mother looks, why not just *ask* her how's she's feeling? Talk to her about her baby: name, nursery ideas, ect. She may think she looks amazing, and you telling her she looks abnormal can hurt. She may feel she looks terrible, and you can easily reinforce that idea. But if you *ask* her how she feels or simply talk to her about all the things she has to be excited for, don't you think that's so much more positive than making comments about her body? Something you would surely never do if she were never pregnant.

When we focus on a way a woman looks during pregnancy, not only do we run the risk of saying something hurtful, but we reinforce the idea that women gain their value from physical beauty. Instead of focusing on how they look, we should focus on how they feel and what we can do to love them, support them, encourage them, and empower them.

Some women are okay with or even like people commenting on their body while they are pregnant. But many do not. If you simply ask questions you can easily distinguish the women it's okay to make a comment to and the ones it's not.

So please. Think about what you're doing the next time you make a comment about a woman's body. It's not okay before pregnancy and it's not okay during. It's also not okay after ("wow, you still look pregnant!" is not acceptable after a woman has given birth), but that's a post for a different day.

Waffles and Nesting

This week has not been super eventful. Harper moves around a lot more than she has been, and she rolls a lot more than she kicks now. It's crazy to watch, it really looks like waves moving across my belly. It's so much fun, though, because she also responds a lot more to touch, movement, and sound, so it's easy to play with her. She lets me know if I'm bugging her too much, though, by giving me a nice swift kick in the ribs.

Speaking of kicking in the ribs...she did it. Hard. And my ribs felt bruised for days afterwards. It was insane! I couldn't believe she was strong enough to literally cause injury. I  love it though, and I am glad she didn't break anything, which has been known to happen!

This week baby can be up to about 15 inches long and 2.5 pounds. Truly frightening. I'm really starting to wonder how this is supposed to work...it's the first time where I've been a little...unsure...about actually giving birth. Seriously. I feel like she's so big already! Her weight will more than double by the time she's done cooking, though. That's insane. Insane!

My big craving this week has been waffles. Not good, homemade, fresh waffles. Straight from the freezer Eggos. Blueberry ones. With tons of butter and syrup. I've eaten them for either lunch or dinner probably 4 or 5 times this week. It's one craving I think Justin is really enjoying. 

Nesting is in full swing. Since the move I have this itching desire to have everything perfectly organized and perfectly clean. I had a minor freak out over the fact that we have nothing for the baby except for clothes at this point. Even though we have *plenty* of time left and a baby shower still to go, I have this insane urge to just be ready for her now. I want nothing more than to get her room set up, organized, clean, well lit, and protected (the window faces east, which means way too much sunlight in the morning). That part is funny, because it will be several months after she's born before she's in her own room. But still...I just have to have it ready. I have to.

In just about a month we'll be doing her 3D ultrasound and I'm so excited for it. I can't wait to see all her little features and her beautiful face!

Overview This Week: 

The Bump: It moves. All on it's own. And you can feel distinct appendages and body parts of the tiny human inside it.

Symptoms: Heartburn and backaches.

Cravings: Waffles. Oh my goodness, waffles. I think I ate like 15 waffles this week.

Aversions: Eggs.

Looking Forward To: 3D ultrasound. For her to be here. I love being pregnant and I love having her "to myself" but now that she is much more active and has her own cute personality, I just can't wait to hold her and snuggle her and breath in that beautiful newborn baby smell!

What's up Third Trimester!

27 weeks today means I have entered the last trimester. Isn't that crazy!? The whole thing is going by so fast. I think I'm going to miss it, even though I've had my share of "hard" days. I'm anxious to meet my daughter though so I'm also very excited that the end is coming near!

This week Harper has been super active. She is now pushing individual body parts (bum, feet, and hands) into me and they protrude through and make a very clear presence on my tummy. Which means I can actually touch her...well...though layers of skin and muscle and fat. But I have actually grabbed her little foot gently and it's incredible.  It's also super trippy to watch her move now because my whole belly shifts with her.

She is also responding more to touch and sound. If I want to get her going I can push on her gently and get a response. The other day Justin had his lips close to my belly and was making silly sounds and she responsed  with movement.

We just love our little girl!

Next on the agenda is our 28 week appointment which starts the process of having visits every 2 weeks instead of every month. This upcoming one I am doing a glucose test (but don't have to drink that notorious nasty drink for it) and probably a complete blood count.

It's super hard to get up from a laying position now. And if I have been sitting for awhile it's hard to get up from that position too. Hello beautiful baby bump!

Overview of this Week

The bump: Getting bigger by the week! I measure myself every week and grow about a centimeter each time. Which is exactly perfect for what doctors want to see.

Cravings: Corn dogs and sour patch kids.

Aversions: We went to Denny's for pancakes and all the pictures of eggs made me feel nauseous. Soni guess I'm not over that one.

Looking forward to: 3D ultrasound. Baby shower. Feeling hiccups!

Week 25

Today starts week 26. The last week and a half or so, baby girl has grown bigger and stronger. Pretty much every time she moves now you can see it and feel it from the outside. She still likes to stop moving when someone touches my belly, though. 

I had a few Braxton Hicks contractions this morning. They didn't freak me out, I knew they weren't "the real thing" and it actually made me happy that my body was already preparing for that big marathon in August. 

We decided to do a 3D ultrasound! We have it scheduled for next month and I'm super excited about it. We didn't get great photos from our 20 week ultrasound and so I am really excited to see such detailed features of our baby. I hope she cooperates and isn't too shy! 

Not a lot to update this week, so here's the overview and a new bumpie! 

 

Overview This Week: 

The Bump: It keeps me up at night. It doesn't allow me to fit in tight spaces. And I love it, love it, love it. 

Symptoms: Heartburn and backaches. Braxton Hicks. Woo!

Cravings: None.

Aversions: None. Boom!

Looking Forward To: 3D ultrasound.

Mother's Day

Dear Harper Noel,

Today is a special day! It's Mother's Day. And while I am your mommy, there is someone else I feel I should celebrate with you. She's fun. She's spontaneous. She's kind. She's generous. She's inspiring. She's faithful. She's beautiful. She's supportive. She's encouraging. She's my mommy. She's your memaw. And boy does she love you.

You see, my mom's a special person to me. My early memories of her are playing with dolls or doing crafts. I remember well days I was sick and she rocked me to sleep in her arms. I remember her brushing my hair and telling me I was beautiful.

As I got older I remember her encouraging me to be the best possibly *me* I could be. Whoever that was. She taught me about faith and about God. She taught me about strength and love for others. She helped me develop passions and hobbies. She supported me in all of them.

Now, my mommy and I are best friends. We talk about everything. We ask each other for advice. We call one another to talk about an exciting day, if we are sad, or just to say I love you. We can have movie marathons for hours and never get bored. We can spontaneously go to the store at 2am and walk around and look at nothing and enjoy every part of it.

She's always taken care of me. She still does. She's always my mom and I'm always her baby. And now, on top of being mother and daughter, we get to be friends. I learn so much from her, and I know that you will, too.

I hope I can be the kind of mother she is. I hope that one day you and I can stay up until the late hours of the morning talking about ideas and faith, expressing hopes and fears, dreams and memories (you'll have to wait until you're a lot older for me to let you stay up that late, though). I hope that when you are my age you think of me like I think of my mom- a hero. a friend. a role model. an aspiration.

She will be good to you. It makes me so filled with joy to know that you will have her in your life. I couldn't think of anyone (other than maybe daddy and me) that will ever love you more than your memaw (and papa, of course!). Watch her. Learn from her like I did. She's everything a girl could ask for.

Love,
Your Mommy.

Graduation and Tiny Kicks (22 and 23 weeks)

I'm sorry this is a little late! This is an overview of week 22 (and half of 23). I was busy this weekend with graduation and family being in town that I didn't get a chance to update my blog.

Big news this week is that we are now able to see Harper's tiny kicks from the outside. She was kicking around the other day and I was staring at my stomach when I saw a tiny portion of it jolt suddenly. I had Justin come over by my head and watch and he saw it too. She has to kick pretty hard for you to see it (and I think she also has to be close to and facing the belly) but it's really awesome when you can!

I find baby girl is awake between 10:00pm or so and 1:00am and then again from 9:00am to around 12:30. Sometimes she'll wake up for a little bit during the day and afternoon, but not for very long. Interestingly enough all the times she's awake are the times I'm either sleeping or just waking up (she might be my very own alarm clock).

It was a lot of fun to have family in town this last weekend for graduation. Harper already has lots of people who want to love on her. She was causing me some problems, though...like heartburn and back pain. Sitting in the chairs at graduation was super uncomfortable and caused a lot of pain in my back that put me out for the rest of the night and the next day. But that was okay. It just means she's growing healthy and strong.

Here's a bump photo from this week, taken just a couple days past 23 weeks:

 My favorite thing about my bump is that it's all in the belly. I haven't gained any weight in my face, legs, neck, ect yet and so she's the center of all attention. I feel amazing and I feel truly beautiful.

This is one of my favorite photos from graduation. We wanted to make sure Harper's presence for the event was well documented!

Overview This Week (So far, and all of last week):

The Bump: It's super cute and I love it. It's also starting to move! Well...we can see it move when Harper kicks, at least. 

Symptoms: Heartburn, back aches, one day of morning sickness when my family was here (of course).

Cravings: None. Although I really wanted tacos again. But only because my dad was in town and he makes really good tacos.

Aversions: Eggs.

Looking Forward To: Baby shower! Doing a 3D ultrasound if we end up deciding to do one. 

Heartburn and Hair Bow Madness

Today is the start of week 22!

Baby girl is still moving quite a bit, though she definitely has quiet days and times of day she's more active than other...specifically when I'm trying to go to sleep. ;)

New this week...Justin was able to feel one kick from outside the bump...but the vast majority of the time you still can't. It was still cool to have it happen once, though! Baby girl still enjoys being talked to and sang to, so we make sure to make a habit of it.

As for new symptoms, I'm definitely getting the heartburn now. Old wives tales say heartburn means she will be born with a lot of hair, but I'm not counting on it. I'm pretty sure she just likes crushing organs that force the acid up into my esophagus. 

The taco craving continued this week but tapered off later in the week. Believe me. I still love tacos. But I did manage to want to eat some other things this week.

I found a great labor and delivery essential oils package, complete with a list of how and when to use everything. That's enormously helpful since I really didn't know where to begin. I'm super excited about it. Also purchased a lot of bows this week...I'm a little obsessed. Justin calls the amount of bows we already have "madness."

One thing that happened this week that is great is Gift of the Heart Exchange. It's put on by the Business and Law Schools Spouse Associations and is free to all students. Basically they collect a ton of donations of clothes, toys, strollers, household goods, ect. and you can go stock up on whatever you need. It required waking up at 8am on a Saturday but it was definitely well worth it. I was able to come away with a lot of cute items! Including bows. And shoes. Adorable.

Going to and staying asleep is getting harder. If I roll onto my back I will wake up because it makes breathing hard. So we shoved the bed up against the wall and I sleep with 3 pillows between my back in the wall, 2-3 under my head to help with heartburn, and 1 between my knees and wedged under my belly. Going to bed is now an adventure. I found a good deal on a maternity pillow that should be here next week and I'm really excited about it. I hope it makes bed time a little easier. My favorite thing about going to bed, though, is feeling Harper kick the pillows, blankets, or mattress, if they are putting pressure on wherever she happens to be resting. She's such a silly little girl!

We're getting to the end of our Hypnobirthing class and I still love love love love it. It's just so informative and I can tell it will be really helpful, no matter what "type of birth" I end up having. It's perfect if you're planning an at home-medicated birth...or a planned induction or scheduled c-section birth. It truly is a universal technique that can benefit anyone. I even use the techniques now to help with relaxation in other contexts. I really recommend it to all those who are expecting.

Not a lot going on this week, but feeling great and healthy!

Overview This Week

The Bump: About the same as it has been, but it makes it harder to sleep these days.

Symptoms: Heartburn. Oh the heartburn.

Cravings: Sandwiches.

Aversions: Eggs.

Looking Forward To: Baby shower. Holding my baby girl!

Tacos, Tacos, Tacos

**Ultrasound Photos Below**

I think the title of the post says it all. This week I have been craving nothing but tacos. And when I say "craving" I mean it's all I ever want to eat. Ever. For every meal. It's absurd. In the last 7 days I have eaten tacos 10 times. Yes. 10. That's more than once a day. This has been by far my most intense pregnancy craving yet. I wonder what week 21 will bring.

20 weeks was sort of an eventful week for us! We had the big mid-pregnancy ultrasound where they measure all the baby's measurements and check all the organs for functioning. It's also typically when you find out gender, but since we had already done that it was no surprise. Actually, I was glad we had done it earlier because baby girl was not cooperating and had her legs entirely crossed. We were able to confirm she was a girl but it was much harder to see than before.

We haven't received the call from the doctor with the results yet, but the ultrasound technician said she did not see anything that raised any concerns. Baby is measuring pretty much right on schedule (she was measuring one day behind, but that happens since ultrasounds aren't 100% accurate). Her little organs look strong and her heart has gotten so big! It was so fun to see all four chambers clearly beating in her little chest. Her spine looked perfect and her little hands and feet are super adorable. One thing they check is the nose and lips to check for a cleft lip and other possible problems, and every time the tech would move the probe to her face she would quickly move her arms up and cover her face. I'm telling you...this one will be a firecracker.

She was super active the entire time we were getting the scan done. She kept punching and kicking and stretching and waving. It was really neat to see her movements and feel them simultaneously. Her movements are much stronger now. She still has more active days and less active days, but when she is active boy do I know it.

I will post some ultrasound photos, and a new bump photo, at the end. I was sort of upset at the ultrasound place. First, we got there 5 minutes early to fill out paperwork and then weren't called back for 45 minutes because an employee had taken the probe out of the facility. Weird. I know. Then the whole scan was rushed at first until she started checking the more vital organs and such. I really wish I could have seen more of my baby girl. I watched what pictures she took, but when she printed some out for me, the ones she chose were super random. They aren't very good pictures and it makes me sad. But at least I have them. It can just be hard to distinguish what you're looking at.

Nothing else to report on this week. I've been busy with school and finals coming up. My last day of classes is tomorrow, then in two weeks I graduate. Then the summer is dedicated to studying and taking the bar, and then Miss. Harper will finally be here! It's going to go by so fast.

Alright. Time to start dinner. I'm making tacos. Seriously. I am.

Overview This Week

The Bump: Still growing! See below for a comparison!

Symptoms: Really nothing. Other than a little soreness and difficulty sleeping.

Cravings: Taco.

Aversions: Eggs.

Looking Forward To: Finishing school! Graduation. Family. Feeling movement from outside the bump!

Her head is to the right of the photo. The dark circle is her heart.

Nose/Lips are the bright white diamond shape on right.

Arms. And that may be an impolite finger.

Her spine is so cool looking!

12 Weeks                                           21 Weeks