Pregnancy and Body Shaming: Why It Needs To Stop

Instead of an update this week I thought I'd write about something that's come to my attention since being pregnant and talking to other pregnant women. Body shaming.

Body shaming is shaming women for their body type or the way their body looks. Some examples:

"Wow. You're way too skinny. Don't you ever eat?" 

"You would be prettier if you lost some weight."

"Have you talked to your doctors about losing weight?" 

"I have this great diet I think you could benefit from if you want to lost weight."

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

Of course body shaming happens to men and women, but for some reason women tend to get the bulk of it. I'm sure you, reader, are shaking your head in agreement with me: This is so wrong! Why would anyone say these things to someone else? Commenting on a woman's body shape, size, or type is completely inappropriate. I would *never* do that.

So why, then, if body shaming is probably mostly universally seen as unacceptable behavior, do we as a society or individuals feel it suddenly becomes okay when a woman becomes pregnant? Do any of these sound familiar?

"Wow. You're so HUGE!"

"You don't even look pregnant."

"Are you sure there's only one in there!?"

"Is your baby going to be okay? You don't look big enough for them to be healthy."

"Are you sure you're pregnant?"

"Man. You're so big you must be miserable."

Look. I'm guilty. I know I've told women "Aww, what a tiny little bump" or told them "Wow. You're getting so big!" But you know what? I was wrong. It needs to stop. I understand you don't intend to hurt feelings. You don't want to make people feel bad. Neither did I. I just never even imagined my comments could be hurtful. It wasn't until I experienced those comments as hurtful that I understood the extent to which they can really hurt someone. I'm writing this to promote awareness, because I was never aware. You're not a bad person if you do or have made these comments. But I think it's important that we talk about it, because truly even if well intentioned, your comments (and the ones I have made myself) may not be taken positively.

What if the woman you're telling that she's huge is self-conscience about it? What if she's uncomfortable? What if she just spent and hour and a half trying to squeeze into those maternity jeans she just bought last week that aren't fitting anymore? What if she's worried about losing the baby weight? What if she has preclampsia or gestational diabetes and that's why she appears so "huge"?

What if the woman you're telling doesn't look pregnant lost a baby the last time she was? What if she struggled with infertility and waited years to have her beautiful baby bump? What if she's worried about not gaining enough weight? What if she has lost 20 or 30 pounds in pregnancy due to severe morning sickness? What if she's worried about losing her baby and telling her she doesn't look pregnant reinforces the fear that soon she may not be?

Telling a woman she is "huge" or telling her "she doesn't look pregnant" is body shaming. You're commenting on a woman's size, shape, form, or body type...something she simply has no control over. You're telling her that those stretch marks on her "non-pregnant looking belly" are for nothing. That her backaches and heartburn and all the other work her body is doing is for nothing. You're telling her she doesn't look pregnant, she just looks fat. You're telling her that she doesn't look healthy. You're telling her she's abnormal.

She's not. Women carry babies differently. Some all in the front, some all over the body, some prominent, others not so prominent. And every pregnancy is different, too. But guess what? It's not for you to comment on.

Instead of commenting on the way a mother looks, why not just *ask* her how's she's feeling? Talk to her about her baby: name, nursery ideas, ect. She may think she looks amazing, and you telling her she looks abnormal can hurt. She may feel she looks terrible, and you can easily reinforce that idea. But if you *ask* her how she feels or simply talk to her about all the things she has to be excited for, don't you think that's so much more positive than making comments about her body? Something you would surely never do if she were never pregnant.

When we focus on a way a woman looks during pregnancy, not only do we run the risk of saying something hurtful, but we reinforce the idea that women gain their value from physical beauty. Instead of focusing on how they look, we should focus on how they feel and what we can do to love them, support them, encourage them, and empower them.

Some women are okay with or even like people commenting on their body while they are pregnant. But many do not. If you simply ask questions you can easily distinguish the women it's okay to make a comment to and the ones it's not.

So please. Think about what you're doing the next time you make a comment about a woman's body. It's not okay before pregnancy and it's not okay during. It's also not okay after ("wow, you still look pregnant!" is not acceptable after a woman has given birth), but that's a post for a different day.