The journey so far...

Since our public announcement is new, I thought I'd spend my first post talking about how we got here. Some of this is medical, so if that's not your cup of tea, skip down several paragraphs.

Justin and I decided it was time to start out family in November 2013. I was terrified. I hadn't planned on even thinking about it until April-June of 2014. But after some prayer we felt it was right for us. I panicked a little at the thought and Justin gave me a blessing. (That's basically a really special and sacred prayer that Elders in the LDS church are able to perform over people, for those of you who are unfamiliar. We believe the words spoken come directly from God and are confirmed by the Holy Spirit). I felt peace. It was the right decision.

In February of 2014 we received our first positive pregnancy test. I was surprised, really. I had sort of feared that it would be difficult for us. I didn't have a ton of reason at that point to think that way, but it was just sort of an underlying fear of mine. A few days later, we lost that pregnancy and our journey continued.

We got another positive pregnancy test in June of 2014 and had this pregnancy confirmed by a blood test at a doctors office. A couple of weeks later, however, and ultrasound confirmed that this pregnancy had also been lost. I was devastated. It didn't make sense. I didn't know why this was happening and while the losses I had experienced had been early, my heart ached. I felt like I knew those children. I missed them. That miscarriage was hard for me- emotionally and spiritually. It took nearly 7 weeks to heal physically from it and again we continued our journey to start our family.

By October of 2014 I was at a breaking point. Depression was hitting hard. The frustration of not becoming or staying pregnant was wearing on me. The realization that there were others who tried harder, waited longer, and experienced more loss ate at me. How could I complain? But still, it hurt. In November 2014 we made our first appointment with a fertility specialist.

I remember how I felt as I sat in the waiting room at the Utah Fertility Center. Scared. Excited. Hurting. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be the woman that could get and stay pregnant whenever she wanted. But I wasn't. I had began to notice patterns in my body month-to-month that concerned me, and was fairly confident as to what I would be told. The Dr. at the center diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and irregular ovulation. My body just didn't do what it was supposed to month-to-month. The good news was, when things did go well any particular month, I was able to get pregnant. But staying pregnant would be another hurdle to overcome. The diagnosis, combined with a mild male infertility factor, gave us our course of action: three cycles of medication, if unsuccessful- 3 IUIs followed by a reassessment if those options did not work.

I felt a strange mix of empowerment and hopelessness. I knew my infertility was mild compared to many, but it was hard to have faith. It was hard not to fear. Everything had become difficult- school. church. work. going to the grocery store. It was debilitating- the depression, the anxiety, the worry, the fear.

The fertility center monitors you closely- they do ultrasounds throughout your cycle to see if you have ovarian cysts, to see if the medications are producing follicles, and sometimes to see if a follicle has released. I was put on three medications- Femara to grow follicles, hCG injections to release the follicles, and progesterone to prepare my body for implantation and to sustain a pregnancy were I to get pregnant.

The medications weren't that bad. Mostly they made me sleepy. The hCG shot was almost an adventure. You have to mix the medication with sterile water that comes in two separate vials, use a needle to extract the combined medication from one vile, and a smaller needle to inject the medication into your tummy. It didn't really hurt. But the injection site remained sore for about a week afterwards. After that, you just wait. The shot times the release of follicles perfectly so you can time other "procedures" accordingly.

The two-week-wait from my injection to my blood test seemed like forever. I promised myself I wouldn't take a test at home. But I broke that promise. The Wednesday before my test (which was a Friday) I broke down. I took a test. Was that a line I see? It was. I went out and bought 5 more. I'm a little excessive. I convinced myself it was left over hCG from the injection. I couldn't get pregnant our first cycle of treatments? Could I? But two days later I got a phone call from a nurse. I was at a review session for finals when the phone rang. I stepped out of the room and the nurse told me the results of the blood test from that morning: A very strong positive.

I broke down. I can't remember sobbing more any other time. The feeling of joy far outweighed all the pain, worry, and fear. I called Justin. He cried, too. There was no way I was paying attention to anything in class the rest of the day. When Justin came home he brought me flowers and we cried some more. How have our prayers been answered?

The next several weeks were again filled with fear. What if I lost this one, too? I knew the doctors were doing everything they could to help my tiny human along. But still...pregnancy to me always equaled loss. But as the weeks went on, I felt more and more peace. This is really happening for us. The day we heard our baby's heart beating was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. It was such a beautiful sound.

Today I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Almost out of the first trimester. The first several weeks were filled with standard morning sickness, but I didn't mind. The symptoms brought me peace that everything was still okay. The only thing I (jokingly) complain about is that my one and only food aversion has been chocolate. It's sort of sad. ;)

I am grateful to a Heavenly Father who brought me through all of this. I count myself lucky that my path, while difficult for me, has been exactly everything I needed. I set out in November 2013 to start a family, but I had also set another goal: I wanted to learn everything I could about the Savior in 2014. I wanted to truly understand His Atonement. I wanted to know how He could succor me, heal me, lift me, and aid me. I never thought that a trial of loss and infertility would be what I needed to get there. But for me, as I look back, I truly did come to understand more fully the things I wanted to know. I experienced truly sacred moments in prayer as I felt my Savior close to me. Those moments are precious to me. And though I found the journey hard, I am grateful to have never been alone in it. Not for a single step.