"Oh my!" she exclaimed, "What a darling little newborn!"
Inside I both laughed and cringed. I knew what was coming next.
"How old is she?"
"11 and a half months," I answered.
I saw the smile partially fade and the woman tried to surpress her obvious surprise. Still, she then spoke the words that I have heard not less than 50 times over the last 11 months:
"She is so tiny."
Look. I get it, seeing a baby that is tall and skinny instead of round and chubby like we see on tv can be surprising or new. I have received comments about Harper's size since the day she was born. Minutes after she was born the nurse exclaimed: "Oh wow. She looks like she was born at 35 weeks!" She was born small (below 5th percentile) and has remained small all her life. I don't neccessarily mind comments about her small frame. However, sometimes, I do mind the implications, the assumptions, and the comparisons.
There is this odd perception that fat babies are healthy and skinny babies are not. I have been asked, by strangers, if my baby is healthy, what is wrong with her, and yes, I have even been asked if I feed her.
The truth is, her doctors have always been enamoured with her. Though she has consistently treaded the 0 to 5th percentile, developmentally she has been a rockstar. Although small, she has slept well and always maintained a happy, playful, and healthy demeanor, and has met all her milestones on time or ahead of schedule. (Note: even milestones are a tricky measurement of health, as all babies and kids meet milestones at different times. I am in no way saying that a baby that is a bit "delayed" according to the books is therefore unhealthy. What matters is the whole picture- growth, development, demenor, ect.) Harper's doctors have never been worried about her size. "Someone has to be in the 0 percentile or no one would be in the 50th or 90th percentile," they would tell me.
Still. I have watched people's reactions when I tell them that what they expect to be a four month old baby is almost a one year old toddler. The brow furrows. The nose wrinkles. The puzzled expressions.
And I would be lying if I said that it never bothers me. Sometimes, it just hurts.
Sometimes it hurts when other moms proudly exclaim on photos of my daughter "Wow. My baby is so much bigger than her!" Sometimes it hurts when people ask me what's wrong with her or try to give me advice on how to feed her more. Sometimes I grow tired of constantly being reminded how small my baby is. I know. I have literally seen her every day of her entire life.
I love my tiny baby. But it seems, for some reason, others prefer to see round, chubby, babies. And sometimes that sucks, given how hard Harper and I have both worked at making sure that she is nutritionally healthy and normal.
So this is a message to any and all who might encounter a small baby and their parents:
Love on that tiny baby the way you would a chunky baby. Do not treat them differently or talk about them differently. Nibble their little toes and compliment mom on how beautiful and adorable baby is. Congratulate mom on a job well done for growing a human and continuing to nourish said human for the months following birth. Don't assume small means unhealthy or that mom doesn't know how to feed her kid. Have confidence that mom and doctor are both aware that baby is smaller than average and that if there is a problem, both are working on it and if there isn't: then baby is just genetically small or is small for no reason at all. (Hey. I am a poet and didn't know it). There is no need to comment on the size of someone else's baby's body. Babies are humans are come in all different shapes and sizes and a whole range of "normal." Don't compare. Would you tell a friend "Oh my gosh. You're so fat. My other friend is so skinny?" Or vice versa?
I love my small, healthy, normal baby.
Seriously. My back and arms are grateful.
